EMCEE: Welcome to Whoooo's that Owl? the show where your favorite celebrities try to figure out the identity of our guest owl of the day. I am your host, Laughing Larry Ludlow, ready to teach you some great owl facts while having fun in the process. Now, here's how the show works:
We have invited one of the 19 North American Owls to perch behind the curtain where Carol Merrill is now standing, as our celebrities ask the owl a series of questions designed to figure out just whooooo's back there. After three rounds of questioning, our stars will each announce their guess as to the common name of our special owl of the day. For each correct answer by a celebrity, we will donate $50,000 to the owl-related charity of their choice.
Sounds good? You bet it does.
Okay, then, we're about to get started, but first let's meet our celebrities.
You know him as Captain Packard from Star Wreck and Straddler Bar Fantastica, say hello please to Sir Satrap Skewered!
SATRAP: Oh, thank you so much. Charmed, I'm sure.
EMCEE: Are you ready to play, Satrap?
SATRAP: Do chickens have lips?
EMCEE: Uh, let me get back to you on that one.
SATRAP: Of course I'm ready to play.
EMCEE: Love them owls?
SATRAP: Love them owls!!!
EMCEE: That's what I like to hear.
SATRAP: Well, good, because that's what I like to say!
EMCEE: Our next guest needs no introduction...
CONNIE: Really?
EMCEE: At least I hope so, because the prompter screen has just gone black.
CONNIE: What?
EMCEE: Just kidding. Say hello to Mrs. Late Night herself, Connie Jarson!
CONNIE: You are correct, sir.
EMCEE: Connie, of course, a board-certified strigophile.
CONNIE: I don't know about that, but I certainly do love owls!
EMCEE: And last but not least, you know him from his uncredited role as a quote-unquote 'man in the crowd' in the award-winning movie 'Gandhi', let's hear it for Lakhshman Rahjput!
LAKHSHMAN: Oh, thanks, folks. You're too kind. Great to be here.
EMCEE: What can I say? Our budget ran dry while we were still hunting for celebrity number three.
LAKHSHMAN: Now, be nice.
EMCEE: Just kidding. I loved you in that scene where Patel was getting out of the second-class carriage at the train station near the ashram.
LAKHSHMAN: Thanks.
EMCEE: Yes, indeed, you were very believable: I truly believed that you were an actual man in that crowd.
LAKHSHMAN: Um... can we get on with the show now?
EMCEE: Yes, but only if you love owls?
LAKHSHMAN: Yes, I love owls.
EMCEE: Do you love owls?
LAKHSHMAN: I just told you I love owls.
EMCEE: All rightie, then. Sir Satrap Skewered, please ask our hidden owl your first yes-or-no question.
SATRAP: Yes or no, huh? Oh, dear. Hello, Owl! How are you today?
OWL: Fine, thanks. And you?
SATRAP: That doesn't count as my first question, I hope.
EMCEE: No, of course not. Ask on.
SATRAP: Had me worried there for a minute. Uh... Are you one of those tiny North American owls that is just 7 inches or so in length, you know, like them so-called pygmy owls?
OWL: No.
EMCEE: You heard the man -- or the owl -- he said no, Satrap. Moving on to Connie Jarson of late-night fame. Fire when ready, girl.
CONNIE: Mr. Owl, I don't mean to get personal, but... do you have a square head?
OWL: Ouch! Busted! Yes, Connie, I have a square head. Now go ahead and make with the usual jokes.
CONNIE: No, you've got me all wrong, Owl. I love square heads!
OWL: Yeah, right.
EMCEE: Moving along to our quintessential 'man in the crowd,' one Lakhshman Rahjput by name. Your first question, please, sir.
LAKHSHMAN: Do you have yellow eyes, Mr. Owl?
OWL: Yes, I do, Lakhshman.
LAKHSHMAN: Aha. Very interesting.
EMCEE: The plot thickens as we move on to round two. Let's go back to Captain Packrat from the Straddler Bar Fantastica. Your next question, please, sir.
SATRAP: That's Captain Packard.
EMCEE: You say to-ma-to and I say to-MAH-to.
SATRAP: Would you happen to be brownish in general with a white belly?
OWL: Yes, it just so happens that I AM brownish in general with a white belly.
EMCEE: He shoots, he scores. Moving on to Lady Late Night. Next question, please.
CONNIE: Do you have ear tufts, Mr. Owl?
OWL: No, I do not.
EMCEE: Hmm. So we've got a brown and white owl without ear tufts.
SATRAP: One which is not tiny.
EMCEE: Correct. Now moving on to Hugh Grant -- oh, sorry, I mean Lakhshman Rahjput. Well, it's an understandable mistake, right, folks?
LAKHSHMAN: What is your problem?
EMCEE: Your next question, please, sir.
LAKHSHMAN: Aren't you also known as Tengmalm's Owl, after a Swedish biologist of that name?
OWL: That is just so true.
LAKHSHMAN: I'll take that as a yes.
OWL: That's good, because I GAVE that as a yes.
EMCEE: Everybody's a comedian these days, even owls. One final question now from each of our celebrities. Satrap, old fellow?
SATRAP: Would you say that your species is prevalent in the United States of America?
OWL: I most certainly would not.
EMCEE: Okay, okay. Watch out, folks, we have an emphatic owl on the premises. We'll take that as a no, by the way. Lady Jarson?
CONNIE: Would it be fair to say, then, that your species is prevalent in Canada?
OWL: Yes. Indubitably so.
EMCEE: See what happens when you give an owl a dictionary? So our owl definitely lives in Canada. And now for the final question of the game, we turn to everybody's favorite man-in-the-crowd: Mr. Rahjput himself.
LAKHSHMAN: I take it then that you live in what we might call a fir forest?
EMCEE: In the form of a question, please, sir.
LAKHSHMAN: Does your species live in a fir forest?
OWL: Yes.
EMCEE: Time's up. I myself will now ask one final question to help our celebrities make an informed decision.
SATRAP: Oh, good, I need all the help I can get on this one.
EMCEE: Mr. Owl, would you consider yourself a day owl, you know, one that is active mainly during the daytime?
OWL: No, I would not.
EMCEE: And thank you for that. Thinking caps on now, folks, and in the full upright position. I want you to write down the name of the owl that is behind the curtain.
Let's recap what we know: We are dealing here with a brownish owl with a white belly, yellow eyes, no ear tufts and a square head. We also know that the owl is not tiny and that it lives in the fir forests of Canada and that it is nocturnal.
Let's go to our spaceman first for his answer. Sir Satrap Skewered. What did your majesty write?
SATRAP: Well, to be honest, I was thinking of the Northern Hawk Owl.
EMCEE: Is that your final answer?
SATRAP: No. You see, when he told us he was nocturnal, I changed my mind, because I seem to recall that the Northern Hawk Owl is active during the day.
EMCEE: Indeed, just like a hawk. So your answer, then, is...
SATRAP: I'm going with the Boreal Owl.
EMCEE: Interesting. Okay, hold that thought as we move on to Connie.
CONNIE: Well, I know that Boreal Owls are famous for their chocolate brown feathers...
EMCEE: Yes?
CONNIE: And I don't think there are other owls with such feathers, at least not in Canada.
EMCEE: Yes?
CONNIE: So I'm going with the Boreal Owl as well.
EMCEE: Yes?
CONNIE: Yes.
EMCEE: And how about Lakhshman here, our King of the Bit Parts?
LAKHSHMAN: Someone should tear you down and put up a human being.
EMCEE: What owl do you believe is behind the curtain where Carol Merrill is standing?
LAKHSHMAN: I think it's a Snowy Owl.
EMCEE: Okay. You do realize that Snowy Owls are mostly white in coloration?
LAKHSHMAN: White with a lot of brown, you mean?
EMCEE: No. More like white with a lot of white.
LAKHSHMAN: Well, what is an Indian actor supposed to know about North American owls?
EMCEE: Nothing.
LAKHSHMAN: Exactly.
EMCEE: But surely you don't have to be a North American to know the difference between white and brown.
LAKHSHMAN: That's it, rub it in.
EMCEE: Okay, let's ask the owl himself. Mr. Owl, whoooo are youuuuuu?
OWL: I am...
EMCEE: Yes, yes...???
OWL: ...a...
EMCEE: Yes, yes...???
OWL: Boreal Owl!
EMCEE: Yes, you are most certainly a Boreal Owl! That means that Satrap and Connie are our big winners today and will receive $50,000 each to donate to the owl-related charity of their choice.
Lakhshman Rahjput, not so much.
LAKHSHMAN: If I throw a stick, will you leave?
EMCEE: Carol, pull back the curtain and let us meet Bob the Boreal Owl! Come on, celebrities -- you too, Lakhshman -- let's walk over to the perch here and say hello to Bob during the credit roll.
That's our show for today, folks. Join us again next time when another two or maybe three celebrities attempt to figure out... Whooooo's That Owl!
Best Circumpolar Owl with Chocolate-Brown Feathers January 19, 2025
I just got back to the tundra after attending the North American Owl Awards at Tufts University in Medford, Massachusetts. I hate to brag, but guess what, folks? I came away with a Golden Owl Pellet! That's right, I won for Best Circumpolar Owl with Chocolate-Brown Feathers! And to be honest, I deserve it. Here, let me turn around so you can see the chocolate-brown feathers on my back. Not bad, huh? What can I say, folks. One does one's best. But it sure is nice to be recognized for one's outstanding attributes!
Is this thing on? (Testing, testing.) I’ve been asked to speak a word or two by way of introduction. (Well, here goes nothing...) Ahem.
I am the Boreal Owl, Aegolius funereus, a denizen of the Boreal forest, appropriately enough, which is also known as the taiga forest or the snow forest1. It’s the largest terrestrial biome on the planet, a swath of closely spaced conifers encircling the globe between the tundra to the north and the temperate forest to the south2. You can have your tropical rainforests and your deserts and your tundras and your grasslands, I’m doing just fine up here in the circumpolar region, thank you very much.
Well, I say I am doing fine, but that really just applies to only three years out of every four. You see, the rodent population has this bad habit of crashing every fourth winter or so, and as rodents are our chief source of nourishment, this obliges us to head south for food, something that your ornithologists refer to as an irruption, I believe3. These irruptions are great for you guys, of course. Bird lovers can photograph my otherwise elusive species. But it’s not exactly a holiday for us owls. To put it bluntly, we are generally starving during these pilgrimages and there is little comfort in the knowledge that we have helped you tick a box on your ornithological bucket list4.
Speaking of which, the winter of 2004-5 was a particularly bad time in this regard. We Boreal Owls had to travel as far south as New York City for sustenance5. That’s well over 300 miles from the southernmost portion of our customary habitat in Canada, roundabouts Montreal. It was apparently our first trip to the Big Apple. One of my ancestors perched on a Norway Spruce right outside the Tavern on the Green restaurant. It was a regular media circus – or at least a media sideshow. Yes, I said ancestor. God may have given you guys 70 years, but we Boreals are lucky to get eight6. In fact, some seemingly authoritative websites say that we can expect less than four7. That’s low even by owl standards, seeing as the Great Horned Owl often gets 13 or more8.
But I should not complain, lest I thereby appear to justify my grim-sounding species name of “funereus” vouchsafed us by Mr. Classification himself, biologist Carl Linnaeus9. One wonders how Carl hit upon that appellation. I suppose my mating call is not the cheeriest sound in the world, a series of plaintive toots, as it were. But still “funereus”? But then his attitude is not unprecedented. When the Cree Indians hear my mating call, they think I am summoning the spirit world.
I must say, I am at rather a disadvantage when it comes to blogging, given the fact that I am such a hermit. I am typically tucked away in the subalpine forest listening for red voles, so truly engaging stories about Boreal Owls, like that one about our trip to New York City 20 years ago, are few and far between. But I’ve signed up to write this blog, so I will be racking my brains to make this thing as interesting as possible. Just remember that 75% of an owl’s brain is devoted to sight and hearing, so there is not a lot left over for me to write riveting prose10.
But I guess almost any halfway literate owl can concoct a “fun facts” list about their own species. Did you know, for instance, that we Boreal Owls have asymmetrical ear holes? I kid you not. That’s how we can locate red voles as they skitter away under a pack of snow. And how about the fact that the Inuit people call us “the Blind One”11? They don’t seem to realize that we owls have excellent low-light vision. But I guess we behave so calmly in their vicinity that we appear to be visually challenged.
I was going to give you a fun story about what my genus name of Aegolius means, but the explanation of the etymology may be beyond my skills as a linguist. The Latin word apparently refers to "birds of prey" and is derived from a Greek word meaning "bird of ill omen," as per the trustworthy Owl Pages website12. And that's no doubt the definition that Carl Linnaeus had in mind when he classified us back in 1758 in the tenth edition of his Systema Naturae. But according to various Wiki sites, the name is also to be found in Greek mythology, leading one to wonder if Carl was also influenced by such connections. The Word Wiki, for instance, claims that Aegolius refers to a nymph who was better known as Aegina13, while Wikipedia proper gives us to understand that Aegolius was "a man whom Zeus transformed into an owl."14 Oh, well. I guess we can't be sure what Carl Linnaeus had in his head when he was naming us, in any case.
My editor is telling me to wrap things up. Doh. Just when I was getting on a roll.
Let me just add that I am not the only owl of the genus Aegolius. I share that distinction with the Northern Saw-whet owl (Aegolius acadicus), whose territory, somewhat confusingly, overlaps with mine (especially in southern Canada and the Rockies)15. I say “somewhat confusingly” because we Boreal Owls resemble the Saw Whet owl in many particulars. So let me leave you with a list of differences whereby you can tell us apart.
SOUNDS: The typical call of the Northern Saw Whet Owl puts me in mind of that monotonous beeping that one hears when a vehicle is backing up16. It’s not much to write home about. My vociferations, on the other hand, are faster, less dogmatically rhythmical, and of a wistful and tremulous nature, if I do say so myself17.
BEAKS: The beak of the Northern Saw Whet Owl is just black, whilst we Boreal Owls sport a range of hues, from a sort of pale bone color to yellow18.
BODY: Both of us are brown with white spots and streaked bellies, but the Saw Whet’s facial disk is white, whilst mine is grey. We're also lengthier than the Saw Whet by 2 to 3 inches19.
HEADS: Both Saw Whets and Boreal Owls are said to have “oversized” heads. (Hey, don’t judge, people.)